Angelina Agnes Agostinello

I love you ❤

Tomorrow is my birthday Mommy, I know you know that. For 41 years of my life you always made sure my birthday was celebrated, to the best of your abilities!
I remember almost every single birthday, and the fanfare. You were just dolled all over me, your baby girl. I couldnt ask for anything more.
You made every birthday so memorable, it was something you lived for, your kids, all of us, but I know deep down Mommy that you and I have a connection unlike no one else in the family. You were my very first friend, my best friend, my protector, my nurturer, my teacher, my Mother. You were always there, arms wide opened. I did cherish every single embrace Mommy, yet I still miss them so much. I am in the most desperate need of a Mommy hug it's crazy!!
Last year you gave me an earthquake (we dont need to get carried away this year, ok, I dont need anyone getting hurt at my expense)...but please please give me a sign, something...I will be watching for it all day as soon as I wake p. I promise to be in tune and aware!! I need to know you're still there Mommy, I need to know you know and you hear me, and you watch me and what Im doing.
Also Mother...please, I know you can understand, but please dont get so upset and bark at me when I have my breakdowns. I have them, I always will and Im sorry but Ma, let me mourn. I hear you yelling at me in my head, telling me to stop it and Im gonna make myself sick. Really? Please Ma...give me time and help give me the strength as this is all too new to me. Im learning as I go and it's not easy. You know, you did it with grandpa and grandma and I'd see you crying...let me do the same....but in hindsight, thank you for making them less frequent, otherwise I wouldnt be having a birthday tomorrow.
You called me every single year for my birthday, my whole life since I moved away from home.
Last year was the first year I didnt hear your voice, but you gave me my sign, and it was very obvious.
Thinking about tomorrow for some reason is killing me, knowing that you WONT be calling me first thing in the morning to call me to wish me a happy birthday.
OMG Ma, you're killing me!! I want you here. I need you here. I need your advice. I need to hear your voice. I want to feel your arms around me. I want you to run your fingers thru my hair and hiss my head. I want it all back and I want it now!!!
I want my best friend, my voice of reason, my no bullshit filterless with advice Mother!!
Gees Ma...I dont know if I had enough time to learn everything I needed to learn from you.
Anyway Mommy...I talk to you all the time, you've heard all this =) I just wanted to say I love you and I MIssyou on my Birtjhday and I love and appreciate everything you've ever done for me and given me out of pure unconditional love. I know how much you loved me, I just hope you know how much I loved you...because there are no words to describe it.
I love you Mommy - Thank you for being my Mom - I will love you for eternity <3

Happy Mother's Day Aunt Angie,
 I miss you so much, I miss picking up the phone just to say hello and see how you and Uncle Gussie are doing.I miss my second mom so much. I talk to you and my mom,sharon and now my dad everyday.You all are in a better place now.All I ask is that you send signs to let us know your always around all of us. I just want to tell you thank you for being there for me when ever I needed you.You always made me feel better and gave me great advice, I always felt the weight lifted off of me after we talked.Thanks for being you. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU LOTS.HUGS ^j^ nesi

Happy Birthday Aunt Angie, I have always called you for your Birthday>Today I called uncle Gussie to see how he was today.He sounded good and he told me that today was your Birthday I told him I know that's way I 'm callin to see how your doing. I missyou so much.When my mom died you were always there for me ,I have alway's told you that your like my second mom.I was so nice to know that I could call you and you would always be honest with me and also comfort me at the same time .I miss that so much. You and my mom and my sister are always in my thoughts and in my heart forever. I love you and just want to say THANK YOU for being you. HUGS.<3.

I love you Mommy - Merry Christmas

I just miss you so much.I wanted to pick up the phone today to give you a call.It's so hard without being able to talk to you ,or share what going on in my life .You were always there for me when i need you most .You have always been like a mother to me and after my mom passed you helped me through a lot of rough times.I needed to talk to you today.I know i'm blabbing sorry.I MISS YOU SO MUCH.I LOVE YOU LOTS.

I still cant believe you're gone. I dont think I'll ever accept it, but I know I have to live with it.

You are constantly on my mind Mommy, I mean all the time!! I cant tell you how many times I've picked up the phone to call you, only to hear the answering machine or Daddy's voice (which is unusual because Daddy's not a phone person and hardly ever answered the phone.)

It's not the same without you. I have such a void in my heart, the loss I can not begin to describe to you.

I hear you Mommy. I hear you in my head, and more times than not you're pretty stern in telling me to "Knock it off little girl", or "let it go".

I know you hear me when I bark back at you, telling you to please give me a break, I lost you, my best friend, my Mommy.

I know life has to go on, and it has been, but life for me now has a huge missing piece, a piece in which I can never get back until the day I see you again, the day I get to run up to you and wrap my arms around you so tight, promising you I will never let you go, and to be able to feel your arms around me will be heaven enough for me.

I told Daddy that I have been having a hard time with wanting to talk to you...I talked to you about everything and anything. I want to talk to you about your death. I want to tell you what happened.

I spoke to you on that Friday while you were still in Delhi, you sounded good Ma. You were optimistic and told me to come up the following weekend with Alex when you were home from the hospital and there was no sense on coming up yet.

Saturday morning at 4am George called me and woke me up to tell me he had heard from Pete and that you stopped breathing and went into cardiac arrest enroute to Cooperstown.

Ma, can I just tell you that freaked the shit out of me and without even thinking about anything I grabbed whatever and was in my car and on the road within 5 minutes. The adrenaline and fear alone drove me. I had no idea where I was going but all I knew was that I needed to get to you, period.

I did a 5 1/2 hour drive in a little over 3 hours Mommy...yeah yeah I know I shouldnt have sped but too bad.

I dont remember the drive up. All I remember was Pete, Louie and Toni calling me checking up on me along the way.

I remember being 10 minutes from the hospital and I took a few Xanax because everything sounded so grim.

Xanax proved to be useless against what I had to face when I walked into Bassett Hospital.

Everyone was in the ICU waiting room. Daddy looked horrible, Louis was a mess....the looks on everyones faces spoke volumes, and I hadnt even seen you yet.

Pete explained everything to me and told me I couldnt go in to see you yet because the doctors were in there working on you. I didnt care Ma. I had to see you, regardless of what you looked like. I was warned by everyone that you didnt look too good.

With that I walked up to the ICU doors and looked through the window at you. I couldnt see you at first because you were surrounded by doctors and nurses.

Once they all moved out of the way I saw you though the window. Oh my God Mommy...oh my God.

I remember Louie and Pete keeping a close eye on me, because they knew it was going to mess me up.

Mommy....you were so sedated, your beautiful brown eyes were closed (never to be opened again). You were intibated and you were on life support. Your oxygen levels were really bad Ma.

You had hoses and tubes and IV's all over you.

They told me that only 2 people can go in at a time to see you. I had asked Patty to come in with me but then I thought that I would surprise the shit out of you and asked my sister Marilyn to come in with me. You prayed for us to get close because we were sisters and how important it was to you. I remember you telling me you would never rest if I wasnt back with my sisters.

I had to give this to you Mom. I had to answer your prayers, you deserved it, and I needed you to rest.

I remember walking into your room and collapsing. Someone caught me, after a while I realized it was Mrs Fox.

I felt so weak Mommy. My legs gave out, I was hyperventilating, hysterically crying. I couldnt believe what I saw.

No way is this my Mommy!! WTF??!!

They all told me I could talk to you, that you were sedated but you could still hear what was going on around you.

I was also told to try to hold it together, as to not get you and Daddy upset.

Needless to say that was impossible Ma, and Im sorry about that. Im sorry you heard me wailing and bawling, but Ma, you have to understand you're my Mommy, you're Super Woman, undefeatible and so strong, and you're my best friend in the whole world, you always were from day 1.

Marilyn went up to you first to talk because I was busy having a meltdown in the corner of the room, trying to regain my composure to be able to walk to your side.

She told you she was there, she was rubbing your head. She also told you that I was there in the room with her, and I know you didnt believe her because you had absolutely NO reaction LOL!!

I told Marilyn to step aside because you didnt believe her, so I went up to you (damn Ma, your bed was really high LOL) I could barely touch your head.

When I got to you, I placed my hand in yours, underneath it, and rubbed your head and stroked your beautiful face and I said "Hi Ma, it's Mary, yes Im here with Marilyn...you're prayers were answered". Once I said  those words to you, you squeezed my hand and winched your face as if trying to talk to me, but your eyes were still closed.

I couldnt believe you squeezed my hand and reacted to me!! I mean, I guess I could, we were the closest in the family, makes sense but Ma, that alone killed me. I know how much you loved me, and I know you know how much I loved you, I told you every single day.

I was so touched by your reaction to me Mommy. It made me feel so brilliant inside. No one and nothing could ever possibly give me what you just did.

You were in Bassett from Saturday until Tuesday morning. We were called to the hospital around 7:30am that Tuesday.

I remember the car ride with Louie and Daddy. Louie was incredible Ma, but you already know that. Daddy was so nervous and kept saying "I hope she ain't gonna die".

When we arrived at the hospital we were told that the Doctors didnt see any hope at this point and that you had already started to lose brain activity...basically it was time we had to let you go.

Ma....for real??? I mean c'mon!!! No effing way!!!!

We all stood around your bed, Me, Daddy, Louis, Beth, Pete, Louie, Toni, Patty, Maureen, Johnny. If I forgot anyone Im sorry but you oughta know who was there by now Ma =)

We all gave you your last rites with the hospital chaplin, all of our hands were on you, touching you. We all had to sit there and watch the other say good-bye, or see-ya. OMG Ma, that was so hard, I cant begin to describe it to you.

Seeing my loved ones cry and hurt like that was beyond devistating and unreal.

When we were all praying around you, Pete noticed a red tailed hawk fly by your hospital window. I know for sure that was when you left us, long before they stopped the life support. That was the Holy Spirit coming to take you straight on up to Heaven....no purgatory for you Missy!!

I had to run out of the room after I said See ya and I love you...I couldnt be there when they stopped the machines.

I went downstairs for a cigarette and by the time I got back up, you were gone. Everyone was by the elevators.

We all had to leave, just walk away, leaving you there...we didnt have a choice Mommy.

I also know that you waited for me Mommy, I have no doubt. You went into cardiac arrest in the ambulance, you died...and you allowed them to bring you back because you would not die unless I was there, like I said, I have no doubt you waited for me, and Im not tooting my own horn...you know that.

David and his family and Danny just missed you by an hour...I know you had to go Ma. Jesus was calling you home.

I couldnt do anything. Absolutely helpless and distraught...pissed because death is the only thing in this world I have no control over.

I didnt want to let you go Mommy, and I feel like I lied to you by telling you it was okay to let go and we'd all be fine and we'll all take care of each other and Daddy. In all honesty Mommy, I didnt want to let you go, period. I forced those words out, they were not from the heart...I hope you're not mad about that.

The next few days were rough...surreal and blurred.

Do you remember when I was in my car talking to you asking you for a sign and I saw the deer up by the A Frame?? I had to laugh because I know you're not a deer =) We're all hunters in the house.

Then I went back to the house and was talking to Patty and Joey about asking you for a sign and then they both looked at me and both said "you just got it". They said when I was telling them about asking you, a butterfly circled around me =) You're a beautiful butterfly Mommy, of course!! =D

Needless to say the whole family was surrounded by butterflies that week, we knew you were around. I for one didnt realize just how much you'd be around me until time went on.

Michael came up to see me on Wednesday...he finally got to meet Daddy, and David, Diane, Alex, Tommy and Kaylee.

Daddy and David said they really liked him so I know you'd give your blessing Mom, it means a lot.

He helped give me strength at my weakest, and I know you appreciated that, you are always worried about me.

It got stresssful planning your funeral, trying to figure out who is doing what when and where.

I picked out the rosary you were buried with, I made sure it matched your blouse.

The 2 days repreive was needed to regain our strength for your wake and funeral.

Ma...you looked absolutely radiantly beautiful. Daddy and I were beside ourselves as to how gorgeous you looked, so beautiful, so peaceful.

When Alex and I went up to you at the funeral home and we knelt and prayed I noticed you made the lights blink, LOL yeah Ma, I totally caught that!!

Your funeral mass was absolutely beautiful. You're right Ma, that Father Michael really is a good looking man!! =D

The cemetery was breathtaking...the views are amazing, what a beautiful place to rest for such a beautiful woman.

The butterflies were there too =)

I drove home not long after the after funeral get together at the Fox's in Gilboa.Many times along the drive I started to break down and damn woman, did you yell in my head SO LOUD to knock it off because I had the baby in the car!!! Holy crap!!! Ok Ma...and you know I swallowed it and was able to regroup in order to make the rest of the drive home. You told me I can wait until the baby is out of the car...Ma...the baby is 15!!! =)

I did what I had to do, I made the ride safely and once I was alone I was then able to really grieve and really let it all out. I did try my hardest to stay strong in front of Daddy.

That night Michael came over, again perfect timing, and made me remember what joy it is to be alive. Did you send him to me Ma? Did you plan all of this long before you died?? You must have, because you knew exactly what it was I needed.

The following night I was outside talking to you and that's when the owl flew right in front of me, turned to look at me then flew into Nesi's yard (I had spent the day with her and Angel).

I was beside myself and immediately looked up the meaning of the owl associated with death. The owl is the guardian of the after life Mommy!!! Did you know that?!?! How cool!!!

The owl came back 2 days later and was perched in the tree just outside my apartment door. I was able to take pictures. I was out there for 2 hours talking to you, via the owl. It wouldnt leave and I was so wiped out I had to go back inside to get some rest, and I felt bad like I was walking away from you. It was weird.

Since then I have gotten all of your signs Mommy...I smell you, I hear the songs you play for me, I hear your advice in my mind, the field mouse was a trip Ma and not for nothing the earthquake on my birthday was a little odd LOL

Ma, I think of you every single day, and I miss you more than I could possibly try to say. I love you so much and it breaks my heart that it may very well be a really long time before I see you again.

Until then Mommy, please watch over me and the family, especially Daddy. I know you're giving him the signs as well but he doesnt realize them. When I was up last month I saw you everywhere and you saw me pointing them out to him.

Maybe try to be a little more obvious with Daddy, he's old and doesnt know what the hell to look for =)

As for me....Ma, I know you're all over me, and I know you're watching out for me and I know you've helped me.

All I ask is that you continue to give me the strength and wisdom I need to make it though my life, I cant do this without you.

Oh and I need to know something Ma....I know you were in my apartment last week, and I know it was you that laid out the shamrock rosary on my bed, and I believe I know the message that came with that. You're pretty crafty Ang!!

Thank you Mommy!!

I love you forever and ever, I'll always miss you, and yes like it or not I will continue to cry over you once a day, it has become the norm now Ma, tough noogies.

Know I love you Mom....and please be with me always.

Forever and ever in my heart and soul, I love you.

Love, Mary

i always remember when my mom would take me to your house and i would see you and give you the biggest hug ever!! and you would always pinch my cheeks<3 i miss that and i miss you<3 im sorry i never called more like i should have but just know that you are always in my heart aunt angie i love you forever<3 you stick close to my mom and my grandma, im sure they're happy they have another gorgeous angel with them! love you so much and miss you<3

I cannot think of any greater gift that I was given other than when my parents made you my Godmother.  I cherish all those Sundays and Holidays at your house back when family's got together.  Forever in my thoughts and prayers. Love you!!!